heartsteals | AWASH IC INBOX

[ It steals the breath right out of his lungs; it clicks in his mind instantly. Oh. Oh, so that is what they wanted. Oh. He inhales sharply through his nose in surprise and finds himself just a second late to respond, but he does, of course he does, holding back his eagerness and fervor as best he can so he doesn't smother this shy little spark of want from them. Lupin had resigned himself to only taking from them in regards to physical affection - there was a sort of guilt that came with that arrangement, but that was part and parcel of loving someone so different from himself, he thought. He was wrong. That brusque little jewel that had resented human contact and kept him at arms' length at the well all those months ago is leaning in to kiss him now.

He really did steal their heart. He wonders if they really understand how much they have his, too - how much every little thing they do like this is maddening to him, like he's some boy with a crush. His heart races under their palm, and he can't help smiling against their lips. ]

I love you, [ he breathes against them when they part again; he kisses the corner of their mouth, their cheek. Some part of his brain is reminding him that he should be feeding them and making sure they get some real rest; he can't bring himself to stop and let go, or focus on anything other than their shy touch and slight frame and the way their expression always softens just a little when they see him. Even his little threatened plan for revenge is almost forgotten in the moment. ] I'm mad about you, you know. My lovely Cairngorm.

[ Ah. Even when they've come this far, they still feel his praise twist almost painfully in their chest, an intense warmth filling them from head to toe. It's so good, what they have with him, that sometimes it almost scares them - they wonder how they ever lived so long without this, and how they're ever supposed to let go, when finally, finally, they feel like they really mean something. Them alone. "My lovely Cairngorm." It's for them and nobody else; they don't have to share or second guess what's in front of them, and it's so fulfilling.

In fact, it's overwhelming enough for them to tear up a little.

They hum in acknowledgment that they at least heard him, but they squeeze their eyes shut a little tighter through his praise and kisses, not wanting to turn their head away even if their eyes are burning with a sensation they haven't felt before. Whether it's bad, or good, they don't know, but they don't want whatever it is to interrupt this, so they keep their eyes closed, pressing their hand against him a little firmer. ]

Lupin. [ Just like him, they just suddenly feel like saying his name, strained with emotion, like it's their own I love you back. Their voice sounds uncharacteristically shaky, even as a quiet murmur between them, but they don't want to pay any attention to it. ] Your heart...

[ They trail off, keeping their face close to his. They've felt it a few times before, like those times at the ice palace - but that was before they knew anything for certain. They're not even sure why they point it out - maybe they're still bewildered that they can have such an effect on him, something so tangible and intense at that. ]

[ he hears the unfamiliar waver in their voice; it brings him down to earth quite quickly before his heady feelings can fly off with him further. It's only unfamiliar because it's coming from Cairngorm; he knows very well what he's hearing. Instantly, he worries he's caused them some discomfort with his affections -- not out of the question, considering they're not even used to breathing, let alone, well... this. ]

It belongs to you, [ finishes Lupin for them, quietly and seriously. His curiosity about why they're bringing that up and why they're holding their hand above it are stalled for good reason: he thinks they might be crying. He's reluctant to pull away, but he doesn't hesitate to do so, either, only enough so that he can look at their face properly. ] -- Sorry. Was that too much?

[ his expression is apologetic and a little concerned, his hand finding its usual place on their cheek while his eyes search theirs. He can still feel the alien warmth of their skin fading on his lips along with the faint taste of apple cider, and the way they said his name makes him want to stay here in this bed with them forever. But he doesn't want to see them crying because of him even more than that.

Happy tears - he hadn't even considered that a possibility. ]

No. It's not that...

[ When they open their eyes, keeping their gaze low, the tears that had welled up spill over onto their cheeks. Tears - they've only read and heard about them, and yeah, it's a bizarre and alien experience. But today's been full of it. Isn't this sort of thing for when humans get upset...? Maya told them it's for when humans get very sad or when they're in pain, but they don't feel like they're either of those things - though they have to assume that's why he looks so concerned, when they finally look at him. More confusing is that they feel more of them spill when they see just how apologetic and caring his expression is, a pang in their chest accompanying them.

Is it his love that's causing them to react this way? They've felt strangely vulnerable around him a few times, not a lot, but just like with their usually absent heartbeat, there really is not usually signs like this. Maybe they would've cried those other times too, they don't know. They lean into his hand regardless, lightly strained expression and all, retracting their hand from his chest so they can brush away the tears on their other cheek. ]

This isn't too much. [ They definitely want him to be sure of that - this isn't his fault. ] I'm fine. I just— don't know how to make this stop...

[ he studies their expression as they speak, trying to find out if there's something they're hiding; it's not out of the question that they'd pretend to be fine simply not to rock the boat. But he thinks they're being honest. They've allowed themself to be so vulnerable around him today; why should this moment be any different? Watching them cry makes him feel like there's something constricting his heart. Lupin's felt that way often around them, when they're suffering alone, and it's always accompanied by the strongest desire to swoop in and save them, to overwhelm that sadness with light and affection - his feelings are no different now, save for the fact that he allows himself to act on them. He sighs, thumb brushing away their tears gently, and his smile returns, small and sympathetic. ]

... It's all right. You don't have to stop them. You've been holding onto those tears for centuries.

[ if it's not because they're struggling with breathing or a quick pulse, then they're being overwhelmed by something else - he can only guess at what, but he has a feeling that he knows. He doesn't think anyone's ever loved them like he does. Lupin tilts his chin up, shifting away his thumb to press his lips to the edge of their eye and kiss away their tears. ]

But I'm here with you now.

[ He murmurs the words against their skin. They're free to cry on him if they want to - any time, he'll be there to listen and stop their tears, even if they're only on the inside. ]

[ They struggle to keep their expression from twisting up too much. It hurts, his quiet murmurs and his gentle touch; its an ache in their chest and a burning in their throat that just won't fade. There's a restrained hitch in their breath when they breathe in, even as they do everything they can to subdue the oncoming storm of emotions running their course through them.

Thinking about it, they realize that what he says is completely true. They've been suffering for so long, and been suffering so much so that they almost couldn't fully comprehend it until they felt just how light and happy they could feel around him. It's true. He's with them, trying to ease their pain and worries like he always has been. Their shaky arms make their way around his neck again, their head ducking slightly even under his kisses. They can't bring themself to look at him directly, partly because they're ashamed at this dramatic display of emotion, and partially because they think they're going to cry more if they see any more evidence of his concern - but intermittent hot tears stream down their cheeks regardless every other time they blink, in spite of how hard they try to control their faintly stuttering breaths. ]

I'm glad... that I'm here. With you.

[ They force the words out, the strain clear in their tone - but they don't let their voice break or fall apart. They're glad they made it here; that they aren't dust on the moon or in shards at the bottom of the sea. They're glad they were able to meet him. They won't say they're glad he's here; they know this isn't exactly where he'd choose to be. But to them, being here is like being saved from the lonely world they came from, if only momentarily. If this warm comfort in front of them is only temporary, they're just glad they at least lived long enough to get the reprieve. ]

Edited 2019-02-23 12:48 (UTC)

[ he draws his hand up their spine - it's not physically possible to bring them in closer than they already are, he thinks, but he still finds himself wanting to, wishing he could envelop them completely in his arms and himself until the miasma of their suffering is blocked out entirely. They deserve to cry, but they don't deserve to be made to cry. He presses his lips to their eyelid again, unable to do anything else, feeling their snowflake eyelashes tickle his skin. ]

Me too.

[ How can he not be, when just hearing them say that makes his heart sing? They're glad - that's all Lupin wants, for them to be happy about something - no, for them to be happy about him, especially, for them to feel this same excitement when they see him and this same restless longing when they're alone together. When did he love them this much? It's only been a month since he laid his feelings on the table, yet he already feels like they've doubled in intensity. ]

There's nowhere I'd rather be.

[ it's true that he has to go back to London, and it's true that he misses his friends, and that living in Chroma is hard and he's struggling to escape - but right now, in this moment, that's all far from his mind. He doesn't want to leave Cairngorm alone. He can't imagine leaving them alone. They're too beautiful, too sweet, too sad. Lupin wants to kiss them again, on their lips, all over, until they can't think about the past or the future anymore - but their breath is coming short already, and so he simply hugs them tighter, gently bumping his forehead against theirs. ]

[ When he says that, it prompts them look him in the eye, despite their shame over crying - not necessarily disbelieving, but more like just observing. He's not the type to say something he doesn't mean, but trying to accept that he'd choose them over everything else is... difficult. It makes sense from their side; they don't have much to go back to, no friends that are as close to them as he is, no ambition or greater purpose outside of their obligations. Of course they'd rather be in his presence. But he has missions and other people tied to him, he's renowned by the masses, allegedly. How can they compete against all of that...?

But there's always a very earnest air about him; he wouldn't say this if it weren't the truth. That's probably why they fell for him to begin with, because he's always honest about wanting them around and communicating to them that they're special to him, different from everyone else. They don't feel like they've done enough to earn this kindness from him, but it radiates off of him regardless, in his words and in his actions. Their pale eyes glimmer a little more, but they don't let the tears fall, just staring into those gold irises - they're a pretty color, they think idly. They're warm and rich compared to the muted nature of their own. Most important of all, there's gentleness there, and affection that they can't get enough of.

They want to kiss him again to take their mind off things, to fall into this feeling more than they already have. It always feels like a little escape from the world around them. But, they do feel a little gross for crying on him like they have, not to mention humbled by this body causing them to show their emotions so involuntarily, and so dramatically. So, they hold back, close their eyes slowly instead and try to take deep breaths. He wants to be here, they want to be here, and they're together. That's all that matters. Holding him close and feeling him against them feels like it's the most important thing in the world. They don't make a sound (aside from a tiny sniffle), but with his forehead pressed to theirs, they let their fingers rest along each side of his jaw, holding his face like he's done for them so many times. Just to know that he's there, and real, and they aren't imagining all this somehow. That alone is a comfort. ]

[ Maybe it's just passion getting the better of him, but he means it - he thinks he really means it. He wants to be selfish in this moment. Why can't he just take Cairngorm back with him? He's a jewel thief - isn't that his job? Surely he could figure out some way to do it; he knows they're fighting that war back home, but surely the gems can afford to lose a single soldier. He could make them happy. He's sure he could. Lupin's terrible at giving up, and right now, he can't imagine throwing aside his plans to save London or his feelings for the fey jewel sitting on his lap. ]

Trust me.

[ he gets the sense they're trying to find out if he's serious, so he speaks the words quietly, softly smiling at them between their hands. He doesn't falter under their gaze. His willpower is another story; closing his eyes, he brushes his lips against theirs for the briefest moment in a whisper-soft kiss. ]

[ How can they defy him, when he's looking and smiling at them so gently? Maybe it's gradual and taking time for them to make sense of their importance to him, but they can't find any fault in the conviction of the man in front of them.

The warm brush of his lips is pleasant yet fleeting, gone before they even have a chance to press back very much - as a result, them chasing that fleeting sensation with a belated tilt of their chin ends up in their lips meeting again, just as briefly, not even a beat inbetween his kiss and theirs. An unspoken acceptance of his request, of sorts. ]

Is it... [ They stutter, after a short silence following their lips parting. ] It's still just different?

[ Kissing them like this - it's not better or worse? Their voice is quiet and even a bit unsure, though definitely calmer than it was a few minutes ago. Maybe they've kissed more today than they have the rest of the time they've been together total... ]

[ they probably have...

he feels his pulse leap happily when they chase his kiss with one of their own yet again. They do like it. Lupin is still concerned with how they're feeling and with their tears, but he can't help but feel rather gleeful that Cairngorm is pursuing him today, even if it's only a little. It's perhaps thanks to that that Cairngorm's question catches him off-guard; he looks a little sheepish. ]

... Well... Maybe kissing you is better like this, [ he admits with a small laugh. ] I like this - being able to be close to you, you know.

[ he'd be a liar if he said otherwise. Still, he continues. ]

But... I've always loved your crystal skin. And your hair is like spun silver. And I love that you're stronger than a hundred men - but you're still gentle enough not to even bruise me when I hold you. When I told you I was in love with you, I meant all of you - the gem parts, too. [ maybe parts of it are inconvenient for him, personally; it is sad that he can't love them like he'd love a human woman, sure, and it is sad that they're always worried about hurting him. But if he wasn't all right with all of that, he wouldn't have gone this far. Lupin smiles, brushing his fingers lightly through the back of their hair. ] More than anything, I want you to be happy. Nice as this might be, I'd never have you stay like this when it makes you so out of sorts.

[ They thought he might prefer it if they were human like he is - it'd make things normal for him, after all. But he's always considerate of their insecurity, even though they try all they can not to show it around anyone. It really makes it feel like he knows and understands them more than anyone. It makes them so happy to be loved just as they are, and even moreso, to have their feelings and thoughts put first - it never particularly feels like they need to do anything specific to win his affections, primarily because he gave it to them without them trying before. They don't have the first clue on how to change themself to make themself better to him, anyway, since he's apparently happy with them in their normal state...

It's all very overwhelming to be spoken to and treated like this - in small doses, like his passing comments about their beauty, they can handle it, but having heart to hearts like this makes it all feel that much more intense. But they don't want to cry anymore. They hug him around his neck again when he finishes, tightly - if they start to tear up again, they at least don't want him to see. ]

Well, no one told me it would all be so exhausting... [ Sniffling, they rest their head in the crook of his neck. It isn't that they don't want to acknowledge all those sweet things he's said, but they're afraid the waterworks will come on again if they enable him to dote on them like that for any longer. He always understands their non-verbal responses, anyway, their indirect ways of accepting his affections. ] But... there are some good things about it too.

[ Being close like this; they wish it were a little more possible when they're normal. In most other situations, being a gem is the vastly preferable option, but they'll definitely miss this kind of intimacy whenever their time is up. ]

[ he chuckles under his breath when they nestle in closer, dropping his hand to rub their back comfortingly. Their thin arms feel so warm around his neck. Lupin's going to miss that, too. ]

Right? I told you - it's not so bad.

[ Well -- he did intend to help them get some rest, but having them get tired out via crying definitely wasn't part of the plan. In the end, however, Lupin thinks maybe it was a good thing that they were able to cry; they rarely let themself express that much vulnerability, if ever, but repressing everything like they do is a recipe for disaster. He can forgive himself for making them shed some tears if it was only because they felt something so strongly they couldn't tamp it down. ]

Tiring, though - that, I can agree with. [ he rests his head against theirs a little bit. ] All worn out?

[ They give a little hum, keeping their cheek pressed against him. ]

Sort of...

[ It's strange - they feel worn out in a different way than they usually would. In a way, it's closer to an emotional kind of tiredness, like they spent all the energy they had just dealing with feeling emotions so strongly, more specifically, in such new and raw ways. But that aside, its comfortable just resting and being settled in, right now. They're warmer keeping close to him like this, and there's something really cozy about how he rests against them gently, too. ]

You're not tired?

[ For one, they have been resting all their weight on him for some time now. And secondly, they have to wonder how he puts up with all these sensations all the time. They'd probably never stop being tired out if they were like this constantly... ]

No, not quite. I've got 25 years of experience being human under my belt.

[ and he's a high-energy guy, besides; if anything, getting to be this intimate for once with Cairngorm has him sort of keyed up. But, of course, he's got no intention of expressing that. Lupin shifts his arms a little to support them a bit more. They might be worried about having all their weight on him, but the reality is that they barely weigh anything the way they are now, and he looks perfectly comfortable letting them stay on top of him. (Actually, he doesn't want to let them go at all.) ]

But I don't mind if you rest. [ he closes his eyes, too, urging his heartbeat to slow down a little. ] I'll stay right here with you.

[ They don't want to let go of him at all, either. In books, they always thought it was strange that humans would sleep in the same bed together, but they can definitely see the appeal while here in his arms. At least while they're in this form. Under any normal circumstance, they wouldn't let him anywhere even near their bed while they were sleeping (assuming they had a choice in the matter.) ]

Could we... lay down, then? [ They murmur against the skin of his neck, quietly and truthfully slightly embarrassed to be inviting him in like this. So, they make an excuse, like they always do. ] It's weird to try to rest while sitting up.

[ It'd be more typical for them to say it's weird for him to just watch them sleep and to tell him to go away so they could rest uninterrupted, but they want to stay in the comfortable haven that being alone with him is for just a little longer. Its selfish, and they know it, but maybe for the first time, they feel themself wanting to be selfish with him. They want his time for themself. They don't feel like asking if he doesn't have other things to be doing. For him to say that he wants to stay with them like this - it just makes them so content, so relieved. And the idea that if they fall asleep now, he'll be there when they wake up... it's strangely soothing. ]

[ ah. he'd been thinking about that anyway, to be honest, but he didn't want to jostle them around, and he didn't want them to start stressing about being heavy or whatever else. The words are a bit ticklish against his neck; Lupin breathes out another laugh, suppressing a small shiver in his skin. ]

Of course.

[ he holds them against him a little tighter as he shifts his position, carefully avoiding knocking over any rapidly-cooling cider and fruitcake as he brings his feet up. Cairngorm's gifted bed from home is a lot bigger than the rickety cots most of them have to use; he doesn't have to move much more than that to be able to lean back until his head's resting on their small pile of pillows and Cairngorm's resting on him. It feels so natural that Lupin can almost forget they usually weigh ten times as much as he does.

Almost. But he remembers, and that means he'd probably be better off resting next to them than under them, just in case the town suddenly decides to cut this human thing short. With a small, reluctant sigh, he unwinds his arms from around them, gently placing his hands on their shoulders to urge them up. He'd happily be their pillow if he could, but... ]

[ They comply as soon as he puts his hands on their shoulders - they're well aware it isn't safe to be careless about the situation... But they do let out a sigh while they move off of him to lay next to him on their side, separating from him completely, albeit reluctantly.

It feels a little dramatic to be upset over the very likely possibility they'll never get to be close like this again - but, they feel it regardless, even if they don't let it show. The comfort that being close like that had brought, the longing they feel to stay like this and to stay here, and the pain it brings them that he won't always be there - if he's restless and lovestruck, they are too. Slowly, while thinking this, their hand reaches over to cover his; this much should be okay even if they turn back, shouldn't it? They don't go far enough to lace their slender fingers with his, as they aren't greedy nor sure of themself enough to do so.

If they can't be as close as they want, they at least want to hold his hand, to do something to alleviate the deep yearning they're feeling after leaving his embrace. Their pale eyes meet his, silent, knowing that they don't have to say anything to tell him they want him to stay. ]

[ they might not dare to do so, but he does it for them without a moment's hesitation, slipping his fingers through theirs and closing his hand around their smaller one. They don't need to say a word. He wants to stay, too. Lupin is kind to most everyone he knows, and cares about everyone here in some way or another, but he doesn't look at anyone but Cairngorm the way he is now - immeasurably fond, like they're the only one in the world. Right now, his mind has given way so thoroughly to his heart that they may as well be.

(He's supposed to leave them behind? It's just unfathomable.)

And even with the potential threat of an exponential weight increase, he can't help but turn onto his side, too, and quietly fold his other arm around them, almost protectively, closing the space between them just enough to let his legs brush against theirs. As long as they're not on top of him, it should be fine. He's willing it to be fine. He doesn't care if he has a few bruises when he wakes up. ]

You know, I think I do feel a catnap coming on, [ he murmurs with a little smile. ]

[ Taking in his affectionate gaze at full intensity pulls them back into that pleasant fluttery feeling, somewhere between nerves and excitement. He really is the only one that would ever look at them like that. They melt under it, just slightly, their eyes softening and the last little bits of tension coming out of them entirely. It's a rare sight, for someone as uptight and high-strung as them to look so calm.

They can only take looking at his fond stare and gentle smile for a few long moments before it gets too intense, dropping their gaze down and shuffling so they can tuck their free arm close to themself as he brings himself closer. Their discomfort at being the center of attention has evolved to bashfulness, at least between the two of them, and it shows in how they soften as opposed to locking up, even if their eyes avert all the same. They're enamored with the feeling of his affections, they are; it's just that they truly don't know what to do with all the attention. ]

What happened to "twenty five years of experience"...

[ They mumble, obviously not serious at all from both their drowsy tone and in their little breathy huff... as well as in how their delicate hand squeezes his gently. They're too comfortable and too warm and too contented to do anything to disrupt this. It's so peaceful, with the muted winter sunlight streaming in, the quietness, the intimacy, how they're enveloped by him, emotionally and physically. They wish they could stay in this moment forever. ]

AWASH IC INBOX

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject